Red Alert
by Jenny wrens
Summary: Just a silly little humor piece. It was written quickly while I was doing the laundry today. I blame the humor on my brother if it's really bad! Nathan/Kristin Lucas/Ben
_**A/N-My attempt at a little Kristin/Nathan/Ben/Lucas humor. Hope it amuses you. There is a little author's note at the end to explain where this idea came from...I can't take the credit. The credit belongs to my little brother whose mind tends to work that way. Yes, I love him anyways. Reminds me of Ben in a way which made me think to write this silly story.**_

"Forget it, Ben; I don't want to hear it. The last time I listened to one of your hair-brained ideas, I had to help you hand wash all those long underwear. No thanks, Krieg. I don't want to hear it."

"Lucas, my man, this is different. This is a sure-fire way for us to get rich quick. C'mon, listen to me a minute."

Lucas covered his ears and kept walking at a fast pace, trying to escape Ben's spiel about one of his latest Get Rich Quick schemes. As much as he adored the man, Lucas had learned a long time ago to avoid any schemes cooked up SeaQuest's resident procurement officer. They usually ended badly with Lucas in equally as much trouble with the Captain. As he rounded the corner with Ben still in tow, he stopped outside Dr. Westphalen's quarters.

Lucas put up his hand, threatening to knock on the door in front of him. "One more word, Krieg, and I'll bang on this door and sick the Doc on you." Lucas smirked as he saw Ben take a few steps back uncertainly. Voices could be heard from inside the room. Lucas watched as Ben put his finger to his lips to silence him. Ben leaned his ear to the door, and a grin spread across his face.

"Red Alert," whispered Ben, pointing at the door.

Lucas dropped his hand to his side and leaned in closer beside Ben. Sure enough, Ben's red alert was justified. It was their little secret code word for the captain being nearby.

"What are they doing?" mouthed Lucas, pressing his ear firmly against the door. He saw Ben shrug his shoulders and wave his hand to hush him.

"Grab it tighter, Kris. It's not gonna break, for Pete's sake," stated the captain.

"I'm trying; stop moving around so much," she said, sounding annoyed.

"Grip it with your whole hand, so it doesn't slip."

"It's already slipping, Nathan. Are you finished yet? My arm is getting sore."

"No, don't let go yet." Lucas heard a groan. "Good grief; let me do it. Shift over a little. Just let me shove it in…"

"OW! Not so hard, Nathan." Lucas heard Ben whistle, and Lucas smacked him. Lucas was frowning and pulling at Ben's shirt.

"We should give them some privacy, Ben," whispered Lucas.

Ben laughed. "Are you kidding me? This is the best ship gossip we've had in months!" Lucas felt himself blush, and his stomach was churning. The last thing he needed was to allow his imagination to get the best of him. He didn't even want to speculate what he was hearing. Lucas pulled at Ben again, waving a hand in his face, and managing to pry the man away from the door.

"Earth to Krieg, let's go play some pool or something."

Ben threw Lucas an evil grin and shook his head. "There is no way I'm leaving this spot until I get some audio. This epic moment is too good to pass up." Lucas watched as Ben pulled out his phone and held it up to the doorway with a crooked smile.

"You have no conscience, Krieg." Lucas sighed and leaned in once again, his stomach in knots.

"That's the right spot, Nathan." Lucas heard Dr. Westphalen's give a little squeal of delight. "Now just give it a hard thrust, and it should be in all the way. Careful now, gently…" Lucas made a face as he heard the captain grunt. Ben snickered, and Lucas punched his arm. Ben put him in a headlock and covered his mouth.

"It's no use; I can't get it to fit." The captain moaned again, more grunting could be heard until Lucas couldn't take it anymore. Lucas struggled to get free of Ben's arm as Ben continued to record the private moment.

"BEN!" hissed Lucas. "Lemme go!" Lucas managed to free his head, and Ben waved a hand again much to Lucas' chagrin and continued to eaves drop.

"Let me try, Nathan. Switch places with me." Shuffling noises could be heard and then it was quiet. Lucas and Ben both pressed their ears closer to the door to try and make out any conversation. Much to their horror, the door flew open, and they both tumbled to the floor. Lucas cried out as Ben landed on top of him. He looked up to see Captain Bridger scowling down at him. Scanning the room, he saw Dr. Westphalen standing on a ladder holding up a curtain rod with one hand looking confused. In her other hand, Lucas saw a set of bright floral curtains. Lucas felt his face flush crimson.

"May we help you gentleman?" inquired the Captain with a frown, his hands on his hips.

Lucas jumped to his feet feeling humiliated. He tried to think of a reasonable explanation but none came. From the corner of his eye, he saw Ben equally as flustered and tongue tied.

"Uh, we were just on our way to play a game of pool, Captain. Lovely curtains, Doc. Catch ya both later. C'mon, Krieg," muttered Lucas, grabbing Ben by the back of his shirt and running from the room. As they ran around the corner, they heard another squeal of delight.

"It's finally in!"

Lucas and Ben eyed each other and burst out laughing.

 _ **A/N-Ok, true story here. My hubby and I were hanging curtains in one of the kid's rooms. My little brother came waltzing into the room telling us to keep it G-rated. We both looked at him strangely asking him what he was talking about. So then he starts repeating some of our previous conversation that he heard as he walked into the room. I have to admit, the way he mimicked us, he made my face turn red. Some of the conversation above is similar to what we said. Btw, I said "OW" because my hand my pinched by the curtain rod as hubby was trying to fit it in the bracket. Hubby was moaning and groaning because he was stretching up high on his tietoes to reach the bracket. (If he stood on the chair, his head would hit the ceiling because he is so tall.) Anyways, if this story sucks badly and isn't funny, I blame it on my brother's dirty mind. I've always told him his humor is twisted. :D**_


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